Kimberly Blessing is a computer scientist, a Web developer, a standards evangelist, a feminist, and a geek. This is where she writes about life, technology, women's issues, and whatever else comes to mind.
Posted November 25, 2007 at 12:09 PM | Tagged as: Just Sayin, Women! | Comments Off
Ah, the b-word: bitch.
It’s a word I don’t use much, if at all. I gave up the noun form completely a few years ago, and the verb form only comes out every once in a while, mostly in reference to myself.
I refuse to use the b-word to describe another person, especially another woman and especially in a leadership context. And I object to hearing others — male or female — use the word, since it’s so often dispensed with the very same properties that the speaker is attributing to the person being described: malice and spite. The b-word is a hateful, hurtful word, and I wish it could be cleansed from our vocabularies.
But since it’s clearly going to stick around, it might as well be redefined. I recently read Andi Zeisler’s definition of the b-word, and if everyone understood it to mean thus, I might just use it:
Bitch is a word we use culturally to describe any woman who is strong, angry, uncompromising and, often, uninterested in pleasing men. We use the term for a woman on the street who doesn’t respond to men’s catcalls or smile when they say, “Cheer up, baby, it can’t be that bad.” We use it for the woman who has a better job than a man and doesn’t apologize for it. We use it for the woman who doesn’t back down from a confrontation.
I know a number of women that fit the above far better than they could ever fit the dictionary definition of the b-word. Still, I’ll refrain from using it since I’m bound to be misunderstood. However, if I catch someone else using it, I’ve now got some great material to quote to help them understand what I hear them saying.
This video was just too good to be left in my sidebar; the sheer fact that it exists mandated a full entry for it and its hilarity makes watching it a moral imperative.
Watch as a young(er) David Letterman is upstaged by Grace Hopper, not long after her retirement in 1986. My favorite part? Dave asks, “How did you know so much about computers then?” and Grace replies, “I didn’t. It was the first one!”
In this recent study, a Yale post-doc has found that a woman who shows anger in the workplace is likely to be seen as incompetent and out of control. In order to achieve status at work, women may have to behave calmly in order to be seen as rational. In fact, an “angry” woman is also likely to make less money than an “unemotional” woman, though in either case is still likely to make less than a man.
No wonder why so many women end up adopting a “nice girl” approach in business. But you know what? That doesn’t work either — at least not for the woman trying to always be so nice. That’s why I’m glad to see that Erica wrote up her 5 steps to stop being too nice. I was also pleasantly surprised by the book Ambitchous by Debra Condren, which promotes embracing ambition as a virtue, standing up for one’s self, and being authentic in order to be achieve success on one’s own terms and to be happy with one’s life.
I could go on at length about the “nice girl/angry woman” paradox, but I won’t because I resolved this internal conflict a long time ago. Ultimately I only care about being authentic, because when I’m not true to myself, everything else in my life goes to hell.
Sure, I try to be nice, and yes, I get angry. I don’t let people step all over me, but I also don’t run around yelling and screaming (much — hey, I’m Italian!). Some people will think of me as the crazy lady but really don’t care. I simply hope that others will remember that I behave the way I do because I care about myself, my work, my people, or whatever the issue is at hand. It’s in expressing some emotion that I am (and I think most women are) most comfortable demonstrating my commitment to my work, by showing how much I care about what I do. An unemotional response might help a man better understand my point, but wouldn’t be an authentic expression of myself.
To those that know me and work with me, I hope the above is either already apparent to you or is now clear. To everyone, here’s what I ask of you: The next time you encounter a “nice girl”, ask her if she’s being true to herself by always being so nice. And when you butt heads with an “angry woman”, acknowledge her commitment to the work and doing what is right. Encourage people be themselves, to be authentic. I bet that you’ll find that you can then do the same, and everyone will be all the happier for it.
Wow, I’m impressed. Danica McKellar (from The Wonder Years) is all grown up (duh, we’re the same age) and is a mathematician! And she’s written a math book for middle-school-age girls.
My first thought was, how many parents will actually buy this for their daughters if they’re already wrapped up in the “math is hard (if you’re a girl)” culture? But then I remembered how many things (books, music, whatever) made it into my hands at that age… and I realized that there’s a good chance many girls could end up finding this book. And given Danica’s defense of looking at the big picture (talking about math and making cookies and fashion) there’s a good chance that more of those girls could learn that loving math doesn’t make you a freak or a geek or ugly… it’s just part of who you are. (Maybe this book could teach those anti-math parents a thing or two.)
The page two questions are great — and so are Danica’s smart and snappy responses. Questions like “What’s your favorite part of math to learn?” and “What helped you study in college?” aren’t your everyday questions, but they’re great ones for young adults to see adults answer in a serious manner.
Duran Duran ยป A Blog from Nick The Durans have a record player in their dressing room, and they listen to a different album before each show. Nick ends by suggesting what I always tell people... go back and listen to your vinyl. You'll appreciate your music so much more...
Science Has Become the New Frontier for Title Nine Under Title IX, US government agencies have set up programs to look for sexual discrimination at universities receiving federal grants... in science.
Zimbabwe introduces $100 billion banknotes Roughly equal to one US dollar, they're not even enough to buy a loaf of bread. Inflation in Zimbabwe is officially 2,200,000% but other estimates put it at 9,030,000%.
Women break to front of tech It's nice to see that a national newspaper with fairly broad readership has this type of coverage, and that it doesn't paint women in tech as the odd ducks.
