The Nice Girl/Angry Woman Paradox

Posted August 7, 2007 at 3:16 AM | Tagged as: Business, Meeeeeeee, Women!, Work | Just 1 Comment

In this recent study, a Yale post-doc has found that a woman who shows anger in the workplace is likely to be seen as incompetent and out of control. In order to achieve status at work, women may have to behave calmly in order to be seen as rational. In fact, an “angry” woman is also likely to make less money than an “unemotional” woman, though in either case is still likely to make less than a man.

No wonder why so many women end up adopting a “nice girl” approach in business. But you know what? That doesn’t work either — at least not for the woman trying to always be so nice. That’s why I’m glad to see that Erica wrote up her 5 steps to stop being too nice. I was also pleasantly surprised by the book Ambitchous by Debra Condren, which promotes embracing ambition as a virtue, standing up for one’s self, and being authentic in order to be achieve success on one’s own terms and to be happy with one’s life.

I could go on at length about the “nice girl/angry woman” paradox, but I won’t because I resolved this internal conflict a long time ago. Ultimately I only care about being authentic, because when I’m not true to myself, everything else in my life goes to hell.

Sure, I try to be nice, and yes, I get angry. I don’t let people step all over me, but I also don’t run around yelling and screaming (much — hey, I’m Italian!). Some people will think of me as the crazy lady but really don’t care. I simply hope that others will remember that I behave the way I do because I care about myself, my work, my people, or whatever the issue is at hand. It’s in expressing some emotion that I am (and I think most women are) most comfortable demonstrating my commitment to my work, by showing how much I care about what I do. An unemotional response might help a man better understand my point, but wouldn’t be an authentic expression of myself.

To those that know me and work with me, I hope the above is either already apparent to you or is now clear. To everyone, here’s what I ask of you: The next time you encounter a “nice girl”, ask her if she’s being true to herself by always being so nice. And when you butt heads with an “angry woman”, acknowledge her commitment to the work and doing what is right. Encourage people be themselves, to be authentic. I bet that you’ll find that you can then do the same, and everyone will be all the happier for it.

Some girls play with dolls. Real women…

Posted July 18, 2007 at 4:08 AM | Tagged as: Just Sayin, Meeeeeeee, Women! | Comments Off

I tore this ad out of one of my skateboarding magazines in the mid-80s, and as you can see, it’s beat to hell, having been pinned and taped to various surfaces over the years.

Growing up, messages like this one really spoke to me. Even as a kid, I didn’t want to be seen as a girl. I was a woman, strong and self-confident, capable of doing anything that any guy could do. (Though, to be honest, I wasn’t a very good skateboarder. But the important thing is that I tried!)

So what I want to know is… where are the messages like this one for kids today? Everything seems so dumbed-down, or watered-down, with a “let’s be subtle, the kids will get it” type of approach, so as not to offend or oppress stupid boys. I want aggro, in your face, straight-up shit that burgeoning young feminists can get behind, dammit!

Hmm, that gives me an idea. Check back for more on this later.

Oh, and did you notice that the ad is pink, but that it still kicks ass? I had a pink Rodney Mullen freestyle deck, too… though I really wanted it in white, but the skate shop was out of them. Anyway, pink isn’t just for girls… it’s for real women, too!

What time is it?

Posted June 16, 2007 at 8:18 PM | Tagged as: Bryn Mawr, Funnies, Meeeeeeee, Travel | Comments Off

I’m at Bryn Mawr today for a meetings, and while in one about engaging young alumnae I chatted with my old friend Carolyn Lloyd ‘99:

Carolyn

When are you going home?

Me

Umm…

Carolyn

Well when are you going wherever? What time zone are you going to?

Me

Well… I usually just operate on Eastern Standard Time…

Carolyn

I think you should have your own time zone. Kimmie Standard Time!

I was too tired to have a decent exchange with Carolyn, but the KST concept is pretty funny… though with all of the time zone changes I go through, maybe it ought to be called Kimmie Non-Standard Time?

Making Me a Speaker

Posted June 14, 2007 at 1:03 AM | Tagged as: Industry Events, Meeeeeeee, Web Standards, Work | 2 Comments

I owe some thanks to colleagues and friends in the Web world for recent highlights and opportunities, so here goes…

Kudos to Meri Williams for setting up the Make Me a Speaker site and thanks for interviewing me for it! Meri set up this site after the topic of women speakers at conferences came up back in February. A lot of the hype has died down, but I hope that the information and resources on the site will continue to be useful for anyone seeking to start or improve their career as a speaker/presenter.

Kit Seeborg and I met at SXSW last year, and this year she invited me to speak at WebVisions in Portland. I was grateful for the opportunity to start speaking about how I’ve made process the driver behind integrating Web standards, but I was even more grateful for the chance to finally visit Portland (having heard so much about it from Ben Henick) and to meet some great people, like Erica O’Grady (yet another woman who does so much for the Web industry, and just so much in general!). Sadly, I didn’t get to spend any time with Kit, but Erica and I did have a good heart-to-heart while perusing the shelves at Powell’s Books. It was a great conference and a great weekend, and next time, Kit, we’re doing dinner — work be damned!

Then I was absolutely bowled over when Rob Dickerson invited me to give the closing keynote at the Penn State Web Conference. I’ll admit that, at first, I wasn’t sure how I’d translate my industry experience for an audience that was supporting academia… but then I realized that that’s how I started out, and academia actually helped prepare me for much of what I encountered in industry! I just hope that all of my ‘how to be an evangelist and advocate for processes and roles that support standards’ mumbo-jumbo translated well, and that attendees will find it useful. I was thoroughly impressed by the other presenters, most of whom were from the university system, and I had a great time at Quaker Steak and Lube (a restaurant… really!) with Jared Spool, Dan Frommelt, and company. And I got to have ice cream at the PSU Creamery! Mmmm!

Anniversaries

Posted May 23, 2007 at 10:35 PM | Tagged as: Bryn Mawr, Duran Duran, Meeeeeeee, People I Love | Comments Off

I’m celebrating four anniversaries:

1. Today was the fourth anniversary of Kevin and me getting married. We’ve had our ups and downs, but all in all, it was a pretty good idea. After all, it’s nice being married to your best friend. (Thanks for putting up with me, mister.) Well, that’s all changed!

2. This month marks the tenth anniversary of my graduation from Bryn Mawr College and I get to celebrate next week by heading back to campus for Reunion. For two days I’ll get to catch up with classmates that helped shape four very important years of my life — somehow two days just doesn’t seem like enough time, but at least we get to stay in Denbigh. (Thanks to all of my friends, but especially to Melissa, who befriended me early on and has been there for me ever since.)

3. I bought tickets to see Duran Duran next month in NYC. The date is just a few days off from the twentieth anniversary of my first Duran show — June 22, 1987, when they played the Philadelphia Spectrum on the Strange Behaviour tour. My mom went with me in ‘87 and she’s going with me now. In fact, there were only a few shows we didn’t attend together. (Thanks, Mom, for putting up with my obsession.)

4. This year marks the thirtieth anniversary friendship with my pal, Alana. We only lived on the same street for about seven years, but no distance (in miles or time) has been able to separate us. Next to my mom, she’s the person who knows me best and has made sure that I’ve always stayed true to myself. I hope I’ve been able to do the same for her. (Thanks, ‘lana.)

   

Note: I listed these anniversaries in chronological order, but if I had to list them in order of significance, they’d be reversed. Really.